Sometimes there are things that make me just want to run far far away screaming my lungs off and yelling out that word. At times it's funny situations, or just a moment I'd want to lighten up a bit. But then there are other times where yelling HELFEN, which means 'help' in German, seems about the most appropriate thing to do to get away, after which I wish myself to hide under my winter clothing in the top shelf of my closet with a packet of dark chocolate Herseys kisses and my pet whale, Yui.
To be honest, and this has been given immense thought over the past few years, my fears are limited. People talk about being scared of spiders and spoons and superstitions and flying goats, but me? I don't really have any of those. At one point, yet again, it made me wonder the extent of my abnormality which due to many things, is seemingly at a rather high level. Everyone's scared of SOMETHING right? It took me a while, and from experiences during the length of my life, ( because clearly I've lived for eons ), there are tiny, rather weird things I've found myself not comfortable with. But not scared of either. It's just that I'd rather not be in close contact with that thing/situation. The few things that I am 'scared' of, I've come to realize is just me living up to the expectations of human nature.
I'm the kind of person that sees blood and starts thinking, " what if I made a potion out of that?", or looks at a roach and goes, " THIS IS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR" and dilly-dally around my room with a broomstick fighting roaches. No I don't kill them. I don't even kill mosquitoes, unless the idiots decide to sit on some part of my body and my hand just happens to go there to itch. NO sarcasm I assure you. I will climb the tallest tree and stand on top of it picturing myself as the Captain of a pirate ship. Or a member of the primate family, depending what mood I'm in. I love the dark, no, I'm not a morbid person, I just like the whole thrill of sitting with no inch of light and listening to some spooky heavy music. I find clowns annoying but I'm not scared of them. I'm not afraid of animals, or water or the Devil or being shot.
1. But what I am deathly afraid of is losing someone I love. I'm sure everyone is. But for me, it is something unimaginable. As is someone I love dearly not loving me back. Or caring. You know how they say that love makes the world rotate? ( I got bored of the word 'around'). Scientifically, impossible. But from someone who is part idealist, I'd wholeheartedly agree with that. Everything revolves around love. Whether it's love for what you do, love for your mates, love for your family, for your partner, your pets, loving that barista who brings you your regular the moment you sit down at your usual coffee pub. Everyone of us feels love. And we all want that perfect balance between feeling it and giving it in return. Lucky for me, although at the time I didn't see myself as so lucky, I've experienced my fear. On quite a few occasions. And it's like being thrown into a Roman arena to fight off hungry lions and Gladiators. ( I'm still recovering from my Spartacus addiction). I've felt my fear and I've successfully, although it took a long time, dealt with it. And once you do, you know what to do the next time. I don't expect it to go completely nor do I want it to because it's part of what makes me feel human.
2. On the contrary to that fear, another thing I get scared of is not caring. It's contradictory but so true. There have been times when I've been pushed to extremes, into situations which just make me go "screw this. Pig's arse to you". People you love may put you down, insult you, misunderstand you, your work will make you want to slam something into a really hard wall. Things just go all insanely wrong. And after reaching a point where I know I can and will not do anything else about it, I let it go. It's out of my system. Which serves both as a negative and a positive. But I'm working on it. Because not caring is probably the worst thing a person can have. But it's also one of the easiest ways to live your life. It solely depends on what you're dealing with. And it's just a matter of differentiating those situations where you want to care and where you don't.
2. On the contrary to that fear, another thing I get scared of is not caring. It's contradictory but so true. There have been times when I've been pushed to extremes, into situations which just make me go "screw this. Pig's arse to you". People you love may put you down, insult you, misunderstand you, your work will make you want to slam something into a really hard wall. Things just go all insanely wrong. And after reaching a point where I know I can and will not do anything else about it, I let it go. It's out of my system. Which serves both as a negative and a positive. But I'm working on it. Because not caring is probably the worst thing a person can have. But it's also one of the easiest ways to live your life. It solely depends on what you're dealing with. And it's just a matter of differentiating those situations where you want to care and where you don't.
3. Sometimes I get that feeling of uncertainty and I DO NOT like it. Uncertain about who to trust, where my life is going, if I'm doing the right thing. But I've dealt with that too. The moment it pops up, I find a way to smack the bugger back down. Because there is no point. There's no point to any of it. Fear is pointless. It's not a crime, but there really is no point. You forget to live. Love, and you'll find your fears diminish.
It's fine to be afraid but then eventually, it has to go. Or you might just find yourself in Djibouti.
Ben Howard - The Fear
He's amazing. Beautiful melody and lyrics. Cheggit=)
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