So I'm finally here. Back home. I cannot even begin to describe how it feels. It's only been four days and yet it feels like years! But Sydney always has that effect on a person. At least it does on me. You can see the attachment. I've been sleeping at decent hours except once or twice where I've been my usual owl-ish self and people keep pinging me on whatsapp and are surprised that they do in fact get a reply. Why you may ask? Because I was awake with no jet lag. I've heard these jet lag stories time and again and always wondered, is it real? I've always felt it was more of a psychological scapegoat used by people to catch a few extra zzzz's.
As a result of my travels, I thought it important to share with all you lovely people the importance of certain things while travelling to ensure a safe trip without feeling the need to shoves pringles up peoples noses and pretend like you have Tourettes to use that as a reason to express what you really think of your fellow travelers. I absolutely love travelling, it's what I want to do whenever I have enough loot. I did want to rob an Indian bank before I got here but then the Rupee is dropping value like birds with diarrhea plus I didn't have enough time to plan that out.
RULE # 1: Ensure you possess an abundant amount of chocolate at all times during travel
Food is life. I live to eat. Therefore it is important that I have. And I don't know why the Gods or any form of divinity can give me decent, edible food while I'm travelling. On my way to Sydney this time, they served me some big yellow lump which I didn't even try finding out about. I felt better not knowing. Oh not to forget the excessive amounts of leaves because i specified vegetarian food. yup. if it's vegetarian throw in some grass and any leaf because really, that's what satisfies our hungryass bellies. goddamit. The sausages my flight buddy got didn't look any more appetizing. CHOCOLATE. is the way to go. Or smores. anything with an acceptable cocoa content.
RULE # 2: Carry blow-upable cushions with you as an extra seat.
So, I got stuck next to a fat person. Again. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people with weighty problems, but HOW DO THEY FIND ME. My rather inspiring individual occupied his seat, his arm rest and pretty much half of my seat as well, which left me and my sweet cheeks to hang off rather unfortunately off what was left of my seat. I resorted to using my creativity and imagining a fluffy cush for my tush for three hours. Very hard with gravity's existence.
RULE #3: Make sure you have enough tiny objects to stuff inside your ears because THEY LIED ABOUT COTTON.
Every time man. Every single bloody time. Either I get stuck to noisy rambling babbling little anklebiters that cry because they have no control over their excretory system or I get stuck near people that have no control over their respiratory system. Chennai, India to Bangkok, Thailand. 3 hours. I had the good fortune of sitting near a gentleman that as I mentioned occupied his seat as well as mine and if that wasn't enough of a good start to my new life, he also snored. And by snore, I mean I was surprised the flight even moved due to the inner force within. This man would be a contender for a Tornado IN THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE. I could even hear him over the the blaring growls of Dimmu Borgir, which I eventually had to turn down because I didn't want to end up deaf on my first day of work.
RULE#4: Always carry a toothbrush in your backpack. You don't want to be scaring off the rest of your travel mates.
Also, I had a 15 minute conversation with an air hostess about teeth and how I have perfect teeth to become an air hostess. Thank goodness she came talked to me after I was done brushing. You never know where cleanliness can get you.
RULE#5: Carry the bare minimum. Emphasis on the mini.
I kid you not when I say this. I threw out/gave away 90% of my stuff before moving back here. I basically have 20 pieces of clothing, my hard drives, my phone and laptop, my earrings and rings and my whale. And that's all I own. I cannot even begin to tell you how liberating it is to get rid of all the crap that you don't actually use or need but just keep around because you're a sentimental douche. Take only what you need when you go some place, undies, preferably some clothes and a pogo stick. Hey, you'll save cash on travel! Try and fit everything into one bag like Merlin did.
RULE#6: Loo Roll. Tissue Paper. Anything that's an arse wipe. (pun intended)
Because many public toilets in public places do not believe in the concepts of sanitary or hygiene.
RULE#7: Window seat? Ensure you have a bladder with the capacity of a camel's hump.
I love looking out the window during take off and landing. I also love drinking the constant servings of orange juice and red wine in addition to the 56,000 gallons of water I drink. Therefore I am not entitled to a window seat because life is just unfair sometimes. I wish my belly button actually served some real purpose as a button to switch on and switch off certain goings-on deep within. If you know what I mean.
RULE #8: Airport staff don't normally possess a sense of humour. Therefore bring out the whoopee cushions.
Personally this is something I wanted to try but I still haven't had the chance to. You know when they open your bags to snoop around and find something to trip on you about? Hide said whoopee cushion under something right at the bottom but make sure it's in pressable distance and BAM. or should I say BOOM. faux flatulence = funny = possible smile from an airport human.
RULE#9: Never lose your patience with said airport humans.
They pulled me aside at the airport because I'm an Aussie citizen and started questioning me despite the fact that I had provided all the necessary documents that they want for no reason. They ticked me off so much that I almost came close to telling one of them that if I press one of my piercings I'll set a bomb off. Although I'm quite sure that wouldn't have got me very far.
RULE #10: Four wheel bags? God-send.
I spent an hour just walking so I could roll my bag around the airport. Plus they don't lag behind like those lame two-wheeler ones.
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